Things That Make You Go Hmm...: The Hollywood Royals

Is it fair to judge someone fairly on the outskirts of royal life by royal standards? Maybe not, but life's rough. And sometimes things just look ridiculous, royal or not.

Sophie Winkleman, also known as Lady Frederik Windsor, is the daughter-in-law of Prince and Princess Michael of Kent.  She and Freddles live in L.A. She's an actress. And this is her Armani-clad sideboob:

Enough with the boobage and the harem pants. One is not Beyonce.

If you're going to go the ironic tuxedo route, at least cover it up like Charlotte Casiraghi did.

Though it's worth mentioning that one is not the Clark Kent of Monaco, I think.

Sometimes the fashion has nothing to do with it. I was delighted to see one of my favorite stylish royals, Princess Tatiana of Greece, out and about; I think she looks absolutely gorgeous. But then she had to go and do that thing she does with the starlet posing.

Knock it off. One is no longer in the running to become Greece's Next Top Model.

Likewise, I'm always happy to see Princess Marie-Chantal of Greece and her socialite couture-heavy style. When I first saw her red dress, I was in love - she's actually wearing color!

And then I got the full length view.

It's like my two least favorite sorts of shoes - brogues and SHOOTIES - mated and gave birth to this mixed species animal baby. One should really stop competing with one's self for the title of oddest pair of leopard print shoes. Hmm indeed.

Photos: Getty Images for Giorgio Armani/Daily Mail/Life/Newscom/Billy Farrell Agency/Style.com/Vogue

Things that Make You Go Hmm...: Queen Silvia and Her Stripes

Oh, Sil...I don't know about this one, girl.

Queen Silvia at the presentation of the 2011 Stockholm Water Prize, 25 August.

Yeah, I gotta object to the sparkle this time. (I KNOW. I can't believe it either.) Make it matte, chop it at the knees, wear it on a sunny summer day, and we'd be in business. Not even the magical powers of sparkle can make a picnic frock into formal gear.

Also, I think that blonde Chewbacca skin might be alive.

Photos: Stella Pictures/Svenskdam

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: Margrethe the Birthday Girl

A few days ago, Queen Margrethe celebrated her birthday, and I thought it was a rousing fashion success.

Strong color, good fit. Total win for the 71-year-old birthday girl.

She must have agreed, because she brought it out again yesterday. And she added a few things...

World's largest neck bow? Letizia and Mette-Marit have nothing on this Queen's scarves.

Oh, and she added a hat. No, excuse me, an upturned oil funnel.

Or maybe it's a leftover party hat? A blueberry straight off the vine? The receptor for her alien sartorial communications? Oh, Marge.

This is not so much a hmm... as it is a ha! I ask you: how can you not love her? She's always good for a chuckle, so darn cheerful in her crazy clothing concoctions. Would that we were all so utterly unselfconscious! May she have many happy, nuttily attired returns.


Photos: stiften.dk

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: Is it April 29th yet?

Well, I think it's time for April 29th to get here, because things are starting to get a little weird.

When you've reached the point where you can grab your William and Kate beer out of your William and Kate refrigerator with your William and Kate manicured hand, while wearing your William and Kate shoes...

...it may be time to move on. Clearly the souvenir people have had a little too much time to think about this.

Though maybe some of them could stand to put a little more thought into it. Hmm...

Actually, the Harry and Kate mug is worth a purchase. I could sip from it while dining on my new china:

(I may be one of the aforementioned people that should really move on for best mental health.)

Yeah, it's time for April 29th to get here. The souvenirs are out of control, and the media is clearly out of things to talk about.

We're with you, Kate. These "headlines" make us all a little more haggard. Good thing for you you're still the third most attractive royal, according to a nifty little piece of journalism brought to my attention by reader Susan, who must have sensed in her infinite wisdom that I was about to write this post.

When we reach the point where we're comparing the beauty of Princess Grace to Princess Fiona of Shrek (not kidding), it's time to stop.

Too bad April 29th won't whisk all of our problems away. I just...you guys...I can't.

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: Elena, Again

Princess Elena (a.k.a. Infanta Elena, if you're feeling proper) is at it again, with the weird suits. I just thought you should know.

You know what this is? It's a sartorial Rorschach test. She's presented us with some blobs of ink, on fabric instead of paper, and now we have to determine what we see.

I see...the remnants of a 1991 garage sale in Arizona...a tie-dye bra experiment gone wrong...an amateur fashion critic grateful that this one doesn't come with matching trousers...and a lovely princess with a fantastic figure that's completely hidden beneath an egregiously loud print.

What do you see, hmm?

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: The Prince's Shoes

William and Kate were out for lunch on Sunday, and for once, her outfit isn't the one I want to talk about.

Can we discuss the Prince's shoes, please? Lunch at an upscale club in trainers straight off the football pitch. (Did I say that right? Is "pitch" right? I don't follow the volleyball.) Thing is, this isn't the first time he's done this to what would otherwise be a perfectly acceptable outfit.

Here we have him leaving a club, all casual and cool. I'd even call this one of his more attractive appearances, except:

See, now I just want to take a shower. And it appears to be a family affair:

Boys, boys, boys. As a Shoe Person, this pains me. And it's gotta pain Prince Charles too, right? I mean, that man's so well-groomed his pajamas are probably bespoke.

Anybody else bothered here? Or am I the only one with a shoe concern that extends this far? (Probably.)

Photos: Big Pictures/Matrix Photos/Daily Mail/Diedda Bushell/XclusivePix.com

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: Letizia's Safety Pin

Let the gala dinners for 2011 begin! The President of Chile is in Spain right now, and they've rolled out the red carpet and tiaras in proper form. Our friend Letizia was all spiffed up for the occasion:

Now, when I saw these pictures, I really couldn't get past the hairdo, but reader Leslie (who clearly has better eyesight and a better attention span than I) emailed to note this: she's wearing a safety pin.

Yes, this is a frequent Letizia move: the safety pin to secure the sash.

Whereas most royal ladies get by with a single brooch to secure their sashes (in the front), Letizia often opts for two: her fleur-de-lis brooch and the safety pin, as you can see above and as you can see if you squint really close in the photo below (the safety pin's on her shoulder):

Of course, on some nights, she only wears one. And what I really don't understand is why she makes it the safety pin.

Especially on nights like tonight, when the sash is so substantial.

To be fair, here's a close up of the pin (or one of them, maybe she has one in silver/platinum as well?). It is indeed bejeweled:

But still. It just makes me wonder if she realizes that from far away, it doesn't appear to be a jewel; it appears to be a sewing box staple. Hmm...

And, because I must, the rest of this evening's look:

As I say, I never got past the hair. Are there hair extensions or pieces involved in there, do you think? That's just a whole lot of hair, right?

Moving on...I adore a full skirt, and I don't mind the little sleeved top either. But maybe an ensemble so simple is better suited to a sash with more interest than this one?

Oh, and also: it's been reported that Letizia has a new tiara (on which her fleur-de-lis brooch is supposed to be the centerpiece). Where is it? Hmm? Clearly she wasn't planning on using the brooch. Are you telling me she doesn't have the same need I do to play with my presents as soon as I receive them?


Photos: Getty/Daylife

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: Crooked?

Thanks to avid speculation that Prince William and Kate Middleton would be attending the wedding of Lady Katie Percy (daughter of the Duke and Duchess of Northumberland) and Patrick Valentine this weekend, we've got loads of photos of an awfully grand country wedding to delight in and shake our heads at.

Kate and Wills may have been a no-show, but Pippa Middleton and Chelsy Davy turned up to give the photographers something to snap:

(Confession: I love Pippa's coat thing. Not the rest of the outfit, just that one part.)

Now, the point of my post: the bride. Normally, I wouldn't pick on a bride here unless they're actually royal. I mean, it just doesn't seem sporting. But...it has to be said:

WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THAT TIARA? It's crooked! And it was crooked both going into the church and coming out, which leads me to think it might have been stuck on that way on purpose. (Surely her mum or her sister would have fixed her up if this was an accident?) The bride is a fairly nontraditional girl, I gather (she's a trained gunmaker, of all things), but...oh, I'm so confused.

Also: add this Bruce Oldfield gown to the reasons I hope he isn't the man for the job for Kate's big gown. It's not enough. She arrived in a carriage and the reception's at her family's castle which doubles as Hogwarts in the Harry Potter films. And this tiara is more grand than a lot of the royal wedding tiaras we see. Needs more!

Anyways, I'm done being mean to random people now. I just needed to let that out. Whew.

Photos: AFP/Getty Images/Daily Mail/Zimbio/Chris Jackson/Getty Images Europe/Christopher Furlong

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: Is that her...? Oh, no.

If you can get farther than the chest-ish area while reviewing Máxima's outfit here, you're a better person than I.

Nothing's sadder than a royal wardrobe malfunction. See through tops: a "hmm" if there ever was one.

(You know, there's something to be said about wearing your pretty underwear all the time, just in case. Food for thought.)

Any other royal wardrobe malfunctions you can think of? Since we're already shaking our heads in shame, and all.

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: Princess Claire and the Royal Ruff

I know these pictures from the Belgian royal family's Christmas concert are a little bit old by now, but we need to talk about this.

Focus your eyes amongst the gray on the grayest of them all, Princess Claire.

What's going on here?? This is a serious question. Is that fringy thing a necklace, or a part of the dress? Are my eyes really spying a neck ruff here? Somebody please explain this to me.

There hasn't been this much action around a royal neck since the days of yore. And I do mean yore:

We don't guillotine people anymore, Claire. There's no need to carry neck protection to these extents.

Photos: Zimbio/Mark Renders/Getty Images Europe

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: Laurentien's Costumes

Took a little break for a bit there, did you miss me?  Don't answer that, my fragile ego can't take it.  I've got a lot to catch up on (including a suit...with shorts...) and a lot still going on outside the blog world, so bear with me.  In the mean time, let's catch up with one of those wacky Dutch princesses....

Laurentien has a way of truly committing to her fashion, doesn't she?  I mean, she just takes a look and runs it straight into an alternate universe.

Now, this dress isn't too bad.  If it were just a top, it'd be lovely.  But then you add in the stripes, and the swirled line of the shoes, and the flower in her hair, and suddenly I'm having a Dr. Seuss moment.

She has been promoting literacy, so perhaps keeping up the storybook theme was her aim with this gem of an outfit, sported the following day:

Charlotte's web?  It just looks like a big red spider bleeding all over her top to me.  (Actually those are words printed across her top.  Promoting literacy, literally.  Heh.)  I'm not sure where leggings and Red Baron scarves fit into the pantheon of children's literature, though.

And I'm REALLY not sure about these:

Because they do not have strippers in children's books. 

Photos: PPE/v.d. Werf

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: Good grief, Sarah.

If this had been a royal wedding, we would have had an 11th entry to the Top 10 Worst Dressed Royal Wedding Guests:

Sarah Ferguson and daughters attend the wedding of Sarah's half sister Alice on August 28.

Hmm.  I know you're having money troubles, Sarah.  But sharing a wardrobe with your twenty-something daughters is not the way to save up.  You're fifty years old.  Good grief.

Photo: Daily Mail

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: Princess Stephanie

Just Stephanie in general, really, makes me go Hmm.  But this month, well.....

At the Fight AIDS Gala, 16 July.

Would you like to recreate this look?  (Stop laughing.)  This handkerchief dress is available to you for just 19 euros, my friends.  It's on sale!  (I wonder why.)  Though I'm not sure how much it will cost you to make yourself this color.

At the Red Cross Ball, 30 July.

Now, if this look is more your style (Halloween is just around the corner, kids!), just take a trip to your local costume shop.  You'll want to focus your search in the female superhero section.

Sidebar: Poor Charlene.  She's making such an effort to look lovely, and it's all for naught.  Nobody's looking in her direction.

Things That Make You Go Hmm...: Letizia, Revisited

OK, Letizia.  I see what you're doing here.  You figured, hey, they're making me go to three military graduation ceremonies in the space of a week, I might as well have some fun with it.

So he wears blue, you wear blue.

He wears khaki, you wear khaki.

He wears white, you wear white.

I've heard the saying that over time owners start to look like their dogs, but I did not know that the same applied to wives and their husbands.  Hmm.

And even though the outfits have gotten progressively better (I'm actually a big fan of the white dress), I still think making a little more effort to stand out, a little something special for the troops and their families, wouldn't have killed ya.  But maybe that's just because I wish someone in the Spanish royal family would embrace the hat  for the fabulous fashion statement that it can be.

Photos: Terra